Suicide, I say, cannot be left out in the feeling of guilt and restlessness. I would like to share a bit of myself to help anyone who is in this position now and is considering doing harm. The answer really is not in the harm you are going to cause to yourself, however, the fact is that, no matter how mad people are at you and despise your presence, they still would not be happy should you pass on today.
I use to condemn myself a lot because I thought that was the only way no one would get something to say about me in the negative since I already portray a negative countenance. You will often hear me using phrases like; 'I am the worst person on earth", I am not a good person, better not count on me buddy", etc. What I did not realize was that as I was uttering all these negative statements they were working out exactly how I put them. However, I had this friend who would always say nice things to me. He would say things like; "Brother, I do not care about what you have done. I do not care about your shame, all I know is that you are a wonderful person and I do not care about what you have to say to debunk this statement. I love you and nothing can change about that.
These words always uplifted my spirit and helped me want to become a better person. Secretly deep within my spirit, I felt deep down that I was bad because of some of the things I have done. I would share with you some of the terrible things I did which made me feel I had lost out of the Kingdom of our Lord Jesus Christ.
As I grew up, I was an adorable kid, very brilliant in school and helpful at home. I was a typical upright child until I felt I was not loved. I joined very bad company. I, who never could stand the scent of smoke could smoke down a packet of cigarette and bags of weed and funny enough I thought it was cool.
I single-handedly drunk myself to stupor on up to tens of bottles of alcohol every time I was sad or facing a downtime. I had become an alcoholic and a social deviant. But through it all, God still had his eyes on me. I had three perfect jobs and lost them all in less than three months. I could never finish probation before I received my sack letter. I had picked up behaviors God considers abominable in Leviticus and was using them to satisfy my lack of love and my feeling of guilt.
At a point, I felt committing suicide was the best answer since no one cared about me. I spent hours thinking of ways to commit suicide then top it all up with sexual immorality. I was so in bondage with sexual sins that I could not live a day without doing something sexual. I kid you not, I literally was involved in something sexual every single day no matter where I found myself. Even after I had done something terrible to someone and felt guilty, the only way I could calm myself down was to get involved in sexual sin.
I had so many reasons to justify things of the devil than defend the things of God. I spent hours convincing myself I did not have to be in the church nor pay offertory nor give my tithe. What I was forgetting was, If you steal from God, He takes whatever He gave you back. The devil gave me reasons to believe I was totally His however, I could go to the club and be in the church the following morning. I recall moments where I went to church totally hanged over. I didn't care about what I wore to church nor what people had to say about my appearance. There was a point I contracted a painful Sexually Transmitted Disease. That was supposed to be my turning point, however a cue from the experience. God healed me and in no time I was back at what I knew how to do; destroy lives and that of mine.
Well, I guess you feel how I feel now. You might have been in this position or worse but what I have to say to you today is that no matter what you have done there is that one friend who is ready to receive you and still stick around even after all your evil deeds and all the atrocities committed by you. He does not care if you killed, He does not care if you stole nor you defrauded someone. Your past is none of His concern. He is ever ready to receive you. He is ready to keep you in a new company, refresh you, provide you with a new job and start a new chapter of your life. Whatever thing you have become addicted to, He is ready to cleanse you and never remember any of it.
If you have been inspired by this and would like to give your life to Christ or re-dedicate your life to Him I would be glad to assist you. Kindly say this prayer after me, "Dear Father Lord God, I thank you for this encounter with you. I thank you for sending your only begotten son to come to die for my sins. As of today, I ask you to forgive me and come live in my heart. I declare today that you are my Lord and personal savior. In you I have life and no one can take that from me. Thank you, Jesus, for making me a new creation. Amen."
If you just prayed this prayer, you are welcome into the family of Christ. If you would like to contact me to help you in prayer or share your story with me, you may reach me via mail on nanaquacyantwi@gmail.com or owusuansah1918@yahoo.com. One thing I can assure you is that, if Christ did not give up on me and did not judge me when I returned to Him so will He not judge nor remember your wrongdoings ever again. It really feels good to know someone loves you deep down and no matter what the world says against you He is ever ready to take you back and love you beyond your faults.
Jesus Christ loves you.
Written on 5th February 2019.
By Kwesi.
